Thursday, August 6, 2020

Weary

Of all the months of 2020, July has left me the most weary


I am one broken mom. I am waving my white flag.


As we are here in the full swing of August, I feel bummed that summer fun is coming to a close, burdened with the thought of physically returning to the classroom, and equally disturbed at the thought of online schooling again. 


Very honestly speaking here—- I have mostly good days until they turn quickly into a bad day... moments alone are rare, and my children have developed radar that when I am not in the room, the fastest way to get me back is hurling insults or toys at each other.  


Even starting out at 7 am, some mornings feel—- well, hopeless. The ruminating, cyclical thoughts begin, and I can’t seem to lift my chin enough to stay above the waves.  Then there is laundry, the dishes, meal-planning, etc...


You know it’s going to be a hard day when the volume of the sneezes of your son aggravate you. Am I alone in this? Every. Little. Thing. Bugs. Me.



Really- March, April, May, and June were occasionally peppered with mild mood swings like this...but by late July, man- I hit my limit.  It is like I am an overpowered, filled-to-overflowing fire hydrant ready to blow- many times over in a day....I usually don’t blow until evening and then, it’s all over.


When my husband sees that I am face-down on the playroom rug, he knows my mental state and tries his hardest to create a force field around me by wrangling the kids to another room.


I sit here thinking of the tears of my toddler last night as she was sobbing over her early bath and bedtime. I knew we would all be better for it if she just laid down....I should also mention that she had foregone a nap yesterday as it seemed she could handle herself rather well in the afternoon. WRONG.


It is in these times that I realize- this exhaustion, this stamina, this creating-something-to-do-because-we-have-seen-too-much-YouTube is without parallel. I love being home. I want my kids to love being home. I just didn’t realize it would cripple my moods some days.  


After I slept last night, and came downstairs early for some quiet reading time, I have clarity. 


First, I am human. My kids need to see my limits. My own mother, I still believe, is superhuman. I can count on one hand the number of times she laid on the couch in the middle of the day between the years of 1981 to 2000.  Nevertheless, I have faults, bad moods, and am at a loss for activities sometimes.


Secondly, one of my greatest desires is for my kids to see Jesus in me. Life-changing, real, and powerful as He is, I want them to see it first hand, with a mom who doesn’t allow her joy and peace to be stolen by the ebb & flow of our days.  


Let me combine these two points of clarity, 


“I am human and the spirit of Jesus lives in me.” 



This statement allows room for me to make mistakes but return to the only hope of this life. It helps me to gracefully move on from the previous rotten five minutes to the next all with the reminder that God is as present as I allow Him to be.


I have said it before——— we are elusive, He is not. 


We are over scheduled, scattered, and moody, but He is not.  


Today, I choose to practice the presence of God. Lord, help me to choose it again tomorrow, and the next day and the next.


And if I have changed anyone in this world for the better in knowing Jesus, then I hope it is my own two children... may they see Him in me today and every day of my life.


I am leaving you with a prayer that I had saved on my tablet. Not sure where it is from, but I came across it around Christmas time last year, and refer to it every now and again:



Dear God,

Help us to focus on you today, remembering that the gift of Jesus Christ, Immanuel, is our most treasured gift for the whole year through. Fill us with your joy and the peace of your Spirit. Direct our hearts and minds towards you. Thank you for your reminder that both in seasons of celebration and in seasons of brokenness, you’re still with us. You never leave us. Thank you for the power of your daily Presence in our lives, that we can be assured your heart is towards us, your eyes are over us, and your ears are open to our prayers. Thank you that you surround us with favor as with a shield, and we are safe in your care. We choose to press in close to you today…our Lord, our Refuge and Strength.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.